In 2002, 14 years ago (I was 8 then), I began writing my diary. Few weeks ago I decided to look in those, now ancient notes. My, my, in a second past was alive again. Writing a diary from quiet early age was one of the better things that I, unintentionally, did. So many things, so many people, many of them forgotten long ago, or simply repressed. I wrote it just through most critical time – when I was a little boy, with distorted happy view of the world; then through phase of growing up until today’s day, when I’m already, young, adult person. It becomes especially interesting when I take a step back from all those notes, so I can see the bigger picture. Year by year, the letters take more and more serious tone, and every here and now, there comes a bit heavier, harder to solve and more important issue.
From a simple childish problems, like gossiping behind the school desk; over teenager worries like who hangs out with who and how much, who has the favor of all the girls in school, who smokes and drinks, first parties and stuff…; and then a new age, new world, much bigger than the old one, with hard, exhausting challenges in our unjust society, family troubles sometimes, finances, some of our believes, values, principles…
Also, as I analyze more and more, I get some answers for questions why do I sometimes behave the way I behave. The core of those behavioral manifestations that are today a part of my being, is created long, long ago, from the situations that I don’t even remember anymore. Without that diary, I would never have the answer. I wouldn’t even suspect, because, as I realize little by little, brain is a master of hiding unwanted memories from us.
Reading the diary, there was a lot of laughing there, surprises as well (sometimes, it would feel like I’m reading a diary of a stranger), and sometimes a glimpse of sadness…
A bit of a child stupidity: 🙂
“Today’s day was bad because of a celebration in school. We were celebrating in school, but my day is bad because of my friend D. and my crush. My crush asked my friend to dance with her. That humiliated me.”
LOL. I didn’t even knew then what humiliation means. Stupid kiddo. I can’t remember who was my crush at that time, that sucks.
That was the last thing I wrote before a long period of inactivity – 2 years.
So, this next entry was written in 2004. The reason why I haven’t wrote anything for so much time? I felt from a chair 🙂 So it goes…
“There, you see for how much I haven’t wrote anything. For 2 years I haven’t even touched my diary. I think it is because from all that strong suffering. I have a new crush and I don’t know if she likes me. Today’s day was low. Just because I got a C in school. I got C but because it is the end of school year, that shouldn’t have happened. I have to correct that…
Oh me, you stupid kiddo.. So the reason of my inactivity was – my crush. Diagnosis: Strong suffering 😀 Oh cruel world! Hahaha!
AS I’m remembering it now… I was 8 then, but I haven’t felt like a child, like a kid. All these memories I have, they are missing one important component – how old was I then. When I’m thinking of a specific event from the past, I have no way, except if I remember the exact age, of telling or identifying that I was a kid then. I always felt the same – just as I’m feeling now.