A funny thing,
A god in denial.
When he opens his eyes,
a giggle starts to show.
Oh, I tricked myself again.
I often go for a ride with my bicycle, and so I did today. I went to the nearby lake and chilled there for a bit. Then, on my way home I saw a tower on a hill on the edge of my city and was thinking how I never visited that place. I had in mind, when I get home, to look up on google maps how to get to that place so I can explore that location too. And then a thought occurred – it is all a game. In the spirit of the game, let’s do something spontaneous, let’s turn around and head over there. I don’t know the way up to there, but I’ll explore, as exploring is exciting and is part of the new game I decided to play. Otherwise, my old me wouldn’t approve the idea, as he didn’t liked to go out of the comfort zone. You don’t know the route – you don’t go there; he’d said. But he is not around anymore, so I don’t have to act like he’d want me to. I’m not going home, I’m going to discover the place. Here and now, my new me.
The way to the bottom of the hill I found with ease, but then I encountered some small orientation problems, because I couldn’t see the tower anymore from all the trees that were covering the view. So I had to choose the way relying on my feelings.
I got to the crossroad and I had to choose between the road to the left and road to the right. Both equally step. I chose one going to the right. It was quite a high climb, and there’s a nice view of the surroundings, but also the road turns into a grassy way which is clearly not the way to the tower. Turning around and descending back to the crossroad.
The road to the left. I’m climbing high again, and soon there is that beautiful panoramic view again. This road on the end turns into a single trail through the woods, which also doesn’t seem to be way to the tower. But since we’re here already, and the trail seems nice, let’s continue, see where it goes.
After some time, the trail gets to a clearing – shade from the trees, new and clean benches, forest around with birds singing, high hill with beautiful view. And no soul around. Maybe I haven’t found the tower, but I found heaven instead. With both hands I take this discovery and I sit on the bench, just relaxing, listening to the sounds of nature. Today, the game that I decided to play got me to a beautiful place. It was more than worty to play.
Once, somewhere, a smart man said that life is a game, one that we should not take too personal. Hearing that sentence is easy, but to understand it and live by it, that’s a whole different story. There is some beauty in that, when you get shoved to the ground and you
have nothing more to lose. Then you can truly start playing that game. Because there is no more fear that you own something which they can take. There is nothing more to take.
So… let’s play that game. The game is this – how does the best version of me look? The rule is simple:
I have one year. Starting from now, 10th of July, 2016, I will take a deep breath, and send last regard to my old me. And then, I will take that mask off that I’m wearing my whole life, and I’ll become tabula rasa – a clean board waiting to be rewritten. I will leave old me in the past, fears that were stopping me, situations in which I would never get involved in because they would be against my character – I’ll go against everything and finally see what is hiding in the opposite way I was always afraid to go. What will await me there? Better tomorrow? Worse? No matter the answer, let’s go that way. Every day, let’s take all the chances that are offered and achieve the best me that can exist. I’m not naive. I know that the path will be steep and thorny, maybe even the hardest of all by now. Because I’m going against myself. But I will not quit. I will not quit, because starting from now, everything becomes a play. A game. And the goal of the game is to become awaken, remove the weights that are enslaving me, explore what the world has to offer…
EDIT 09-Feb-2017: Needless to say, this didn’t work out lol 😀 Oh well… However, the idea is still stuck in my head and I’m working on it… Attempt #2?
In 2002, 14 years ago (I was 8 then), I began writing my diary. Few weeks ago I decided to look in those, now ancient notes. My, my, in a second past was alive again. Writing a diary from quiet early age was one of the better things that I, unintentionally, did. So many things, so many people, many of them forgotten long ago, or simply repressed. I wrote it just through most critical time – when I was a little boy, with distorted happy view of the world; then through phase of growing up until today’s day, when I’m already, young, adult person. It becomes especially interesting when I take a step back from all those notes, so I can see the bigger picture. Year by year, the letters take more and more serious tone, and every here and now, there comes a bit heavier, harder to solve and more important issue.
From a simple childish problems, like gossiping behind the school desk; over teenager worries like who hangs out with who and how much, who has the favor of all the girls in school, who smokes and drinks, first parties and stuff…; and then a new age, new world, much bigger than the old one, with hard, exhausting challenges in our unjust society, family troubles sometimes, finances, some of our believes, values, principles…
Also, as I analyze more and more, I get some answers for questions why do I sometimes behave the way I behave. The core of those behavioral manifestations that are today a part of my being, is created long, long ago, from the situations that I don’t even remember anymore. Without that diary, I would never have the answer. I wouldn’t even suspect, because, as I realize little by little, brain is a master of hiding unwanted memories from us.
Reading the diary, there was a lot of laughing there, surprises as well (sometimes, it would feel like I’m reading a diary of a stranger), and sometimes a glimpse of sadness…
A bit of a child stupidity: 🙂
“Today’s day was bad because of a celebration in school. We were celebrating in school, but my day is bad because of my friend D. and my crush. My crush asked my friend to dance with her. That humiliated me.”
LOL. I didn’t even knew then what humiliation means. Stupid kiddo. I can’t remember who was my crush at that time, that sucks.
That was the last thing I wrote before a long period of inactivity – 2 years.
So, this next entry was written in 2004. The reason why I haven’t wrote anything for so much time? I felt from a chair 🙂 So it goes…
“There, you see for how much I haven’t wrote anything. For 2 years I haven’t even touched my diary. I think it is because from all that strong suffering. I have a new crush and I don’t know if she likes me. Today’s day was low. Just because I got a C in school. I got C but because it is the end of school year, that shouldn’t have happened. I have to correct that…
Oh me, you stupid kiddo.. So the reason of my inactivity was – my crush. Diagnosis: Strong suffering 😀 Oh cruel world! Hahaha!
AS I’m remembering it now… I was 8 then, but I haven’t felt like a child, like a kid. All these memories I have, they are missing one important component – how old was I then. When I’m thinking of a specific event from the past, I have no way, except if I remember the exact age, of telling or identifying that I was a kid then. I always felt the same – just as I’m feeling now.
You know, I often go to a popular lake nearby and sit on a bench there. I have my place where I chill, and I like that place very much, especially because it’s not too crowded, yet on the other side of lake, as far as my eyes can see, it’s all filled with people. Then I start thinking deeply…
For a long time I watch people with great interest as they move. There is something special about watching them coming and going. Every one of them has its own unique story. Why did he decided to come to the lake, what was he doing before that and what will he do when he leaves. Some of them are rushing, some of them are walking slowly. Why do they rush, is that their usual pace or are they pressed for time? Some of them are jogging, some of them are riding bicycles, and some of them are just having a walk with their families and friends. I would love to know stories behind their faces.
Then, I notice swans swimming from one side of lake to the other. They too have their own story. And their experiences, and their interpretation of this world. I often think about how the world looks to them, how they experience it and do they feel happiness and joy from such slow and calm way of life. Just swimming and floating, all day.
Then, I notice wind as well. Light and slow, air that is on the move. We always take it for granted, but we never give more thoughts about it. Rarely a man gets aware that between all of us isn’t just an empty space but air. What is air anyway, and let alone air that is moving without any visible reason. Who pushed it first?
And then, time has come for me to go back home. I’m leaving and now I am among those same people I was observing before. And who knows, perhaps, someone just like me, is now looking at me and ask himself the same question I was asking. Who am I and where am I going? Why have I decided to get here and what is a story behind my face…
Those important milestones in our lifes that turns them around for 180. They make a permament cut into our souls and we remember it for the rest of our lifes. Something similar happened to me two weeks ago. A hand that carved it was not human. As now I am certain of it, and I have no reason to question the existence of it anymore. I finally have the power to be a free man.
Filled with shiny lights and decorations, even at winter days my city exude warmth. There is something special about it, when you walk through the streets just before Christmas, and you see, at least for the moment, happy and fulfilled faces out-top those cold and unsatisfied. Even if the reason of their smile are presents that they just bought, and now they dream how they will wrap them at home, give them to their closest ones and make smile on their faces as well. In fact, rarely is a reason so beautiful…
Yesterday day I spent mostly searching for right presents, walking through half the city. I bought them, but they aren’t quite what I had in mind. It’s getting challenging to find something useful and not spend small fortune on it. Nevertheless, they are filled with love. And I couldn’t resist, so in the evening I took a walk with my camera, and forever frozen some moments on those shiny streets.
Oh, and all the grumpy faces my eye caught here and now? This part of the year is a living nightmare for lonely souls, because it seems that everyone around them are ideal, happy etc., and they are the black sheep among good. But lets not forget – no one can hurt you if you don’t allow it. Will you allow it?
I was riding my bike on a peaceful off-road path that is usually empty, but since today was beautiful sunny Sunday, it was quite busy with people, and every now and then somebody had to make path for the cyclists.
While passing some older couple, obviously irritated…
Wife: -“It is very busy here.” (looking at me)
Husband: -“Yeah, motherfuckers…”
I laughed inside myself, as I was thinking practically the same thing. Well, you are part of the crowd, too.